Help, I Don’t Know How to Have a FWB
Kumusta Tita,
I’ve been talking to a guy on an app for a while before we finally hooked up, and he has not been returning my texts since. What confuses me is that he said he would like to meet up multiple times, and while it was not always immediate, he answered fairly quickly with us talking everyday the week before hooking up. I know he has been on the app since it shows when a person was online, yet he has not texted me back.
Looking back it seems like he enjoyed our time together even initiating kisses with me after we had sex and responding to me calling out after he left. What bothers me is that after talking frequently for over a month he suddenly ignores my texts after hooking up despite saying he wants to meet up multiple times. While it has only been a few days and I haven’t tried to invite him back it does feel like I’m being ghosted. This is the first time I’ve tried to have a FWB, so I’m not sure how to proceed. Do you have any tips?
Signed,
Not Looking for Love
Hello Looking,
Don’t we just love how flaky gay men are?
Here’s some news for you that I’m going to have to rip out like a band-aid: if it feels like a ghost, and it sounds like a ghost, you are being ghosted. There’s many possibilities why he hasn’t replied to you anymore, and none of them are your fault. That’s important to remember. Unless he found out you bought Hogwarts Legacy. In which case, that’s totally your fault.
With the scores of men that I’ve been with, I’ve noticed a recurring pattern among all gays no matter how hard we try to hide it; we’re all scared of intimacy.
Yeah, yeah. You’ve probably heard it before. But for the uninitiated, this may come as a surprise considering all we ever do is fuck each other until our balls fall off. Which is kind of intimate if you think about it. But from what it sounds like, Looking, it seems that you and this guy had different ideas of what the connection was going to be. You wanted an FWB, but maybe he wanted a partner? When it comes to that level of vulnerability, we tend to shy away from it because what even is emotional safety for gay men?! We’ve been so conditioned to thinking that the only way we know how to connect is through sex and any sort of emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness and that anything beyond a physical connection feels weird and odd. So when we’re unfamiliar with something, the human brain’s kneejerk reaction is fear instead of curiosity. He may have run away from you due to his uncertain feelings about the situation instead of talking to you directly. While that’s a shitty thing to do, it’s a human thing to do. Isn’t cowardice just so swell and totally does not hurt anybody?
Another possibility as to why he ghosted you was that all he wanted was just sex and a one night stand. I know you said that he mentioned something about meeting up multiple times, but you know men. They can whisper sweet nothings in your ear to get what they want, and we always fall for the bait every single time. Like fish to a worm, or flies to honey, or bottoms to the only top in the club. He was probably satisfied (or unsatisfied, in which case, sorry you’re bad at sex) with having sex with you just once. This should have been communicated on his part immediately after sex because after care is what? Fundamental!
Whether he was scared or he was okay with sex just one time, either possible scenario is not in your control. What you can control is how you communicate with him. Ask him and be direct. Do not accuse him of something you’re only speculating on.
“Hey, just wanted to check in and see how you are. You said you wanted to meet up again, and I was wondering if you still felt the same” instead of “Wow, did you just ghost me after you said you wanted to fuck me again? Fucking liar.”
The former is compassionate and curious, the latter is being an asshole and just a huge turn off. I did the former when I hooked up with a guy in NYC. I didn’t hear back from him when he said he wanted to come to Toronto in the spring. I sent him a slew of angry texts and all of them were unread. Turns out he died of a heart attack a week after we had sex. Oops. Was my asshole that good?
If you do the kind and compassionate route, you might get an answer. But remember as the Old Testament once said, “No answer is an answer.” It simply means they’re not interested any more. Loss of interest is closure.
Things just don’t work out some times, and that’s okay. This guy wasn’t meant to be your FWB because it sounds like what you value in a FWB is good communication. He has shown that he’s not good at communicating which doesn’t make for a good connection for you. That’s one less piece of shit you have to sleep with, and now you can move on and find another guy who can actually speak on his feelings and is able to reciprocate. Isn’t that so sexy?
But do let him know if he needs to keep experimenting on intimacy that Tita is available.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
