I Think I Might Be Gay
Kumusta Tita
I’m a straight man, and I watched gay porn once out of curiosity and was instantly turned on. I started watching it more and more, and now it's to the point where about 75% of the porn I consume is gay. One time I saw a random guys dick in a toilet and it was perfect. I wanted to suck it so badly.
I stopped watching porn for a few months - I thought it's because of porn I've been getting these "disgusting" thoughts and fantasies. I've only had girlfriends before and now I’m actually considering being with another man. I think I might be bisexual? Why am I so afraid?
I don't want to be gay or bi (no offense) but I think I might be. I can't explain this feeling but it sucks. Can you help me with this?
Signed,
Straight Up Questioning
Hey Questioning,
Wow, there is a lot to unpack in this tiny little letter.
I first want to acknowledge that your feelings of fear are valid, but we should probably go in on why they’re homophobic.
I think this is also one of the very rare few times where a straight man has written in and actually caught my interest. Usually it’s me trying to “turn” a straight guy thinking I’m some sort of James Charles dupe.
Let’s start with the porn thing. I think that it’s great that you watch porn. I think porn is one of the best things we have ever invented because it allows us to explore our fantasies in a safe way because someone else is doing the fantasy for us and all we have to do sit and watch. Porn is super entertaining! But that’s what it is. Entertainment. It should not be a way for you to learn about how to suck a guy’s dick. If you want to know how to do that properly, you can ask any man I’ve ever hooked up with and made cum in 10 seconds.
I will say that while porn’s sole purpose is entertainment, I do like how it can unlock some things for people in their sexual journey.
Jim Rash’s Dean Pelton forever remaining the gay icon we don’t deserve.
But I also want to preface that just because you like something in porn, that does not mean you could actually like it in real life. I saw a guy getting a metal rod dropped down his urethra (sounding) and jacked off to it. To completion. Turns out, I’m not a huge fan of it when done on myself. Too cold and visually terrifying. My therapist had an earful.
Next thing I want to point out is your use of the word “disgusting.” Now, I do appreciate you using quotation marks because I was about to type very angrily. So much so that you probably would have felt it in your bones. But I’m assuming that you used the quotation marks to highlight the ludicrous nature of it being used to describe gay people. And for that, you get some brownie points. However, we should still address that internalized and externalized homophobia you got going on.
This is a tale as old as time. Straight guy questions his sexuality and automatically resorts to fear and violence because of his own insecurity. Like how many movies have been made specifically from that context? Remember Dave Karofsky from Glee? That boy walked so other homophobes could run. SUQ, I want you to ask yourself what exactly is so scary about questioning your sexuality. Why is fear the first thing to pop in your head? I’m not going to answer that question for you, but I can guess what conclusions you’ll most likely come to.
I’ve heard this before, SUQ, and some of the answers go along the lines of “I was told being gay is bad,” or “What am I going to tell people and how will they react?” and “What about my family? What will they think of me?”
I want to counter that with other questions myself. Why do you think being gay is bad? There’s nothing wrong with liking other men. I mean, men are awful, don’t get me wrong. They are absolutely disgusting and you should be stoned for liking them. But inherently there’s nothing wrong with that. Could it be that you had some internalized views on how men are supposed to act? Maybe you thought men liking other men is an effeminate quality which should be frowned upon. Whatever your views are on homosexuality, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Unless you’re me. Then you’re the wrong kind of gay.
Now let’s talk about how to move forward from here. Say you do find out that you’re comfortable with calling yourself gay or bi. Hooray! Your agenda and card will be in the mail in 4 business days. What next? Well, you’re not going to have to make some sort of dramatic lifestyle adjustment despite popular opinion. You’ll find that coming out is not some big party or welcome wagon. It’s literally not that serious. Welcome to the club!
And if it happens to be that you’re not gay, then what’s the harm? You experimented a little bit with your interests and desires and you found out that gay is not your thing. Also deserves a hooray! You just learned something about yourself SUQ! Not a lot of people can walk around town and say that they learned something about themselves that’s so fundamental and integral to their character development. You’re one tough cookie!
Wherever your boat may dock, whether it’s on Hetero Island or Homo Hotel, it’s not that big of a deal. Guess what? People these days literally do not care about you being gay. In fact, everyone is gay until proven straight. Now it’s your turn to prove to yourself what that is. Although if you do happen to be gay and you’re willing to start exploring more aspects of it, well…you know how to contact me.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
