How Do I Stop Dating Unavailable Men?
Kumusta Tita,
I have a history of getting emotionally attached to guys who aren't emotionally mature or otherwise available. On the other hand, the guys who want to date or get close to me, I felt absolutely nothing for. Why do I keep finding myself in this cycle? It hurts on both sides -- opening myself up to guys who disregard the possibility of any real connection and also not being able to connect with the guys interested in me. I wonder if I'm broken from past relationships. How do I fix myself? How do I break out of this cycle? When can I find the right guy for me?
Warmest,
Lonely Lover
Hey Lonely,
Have you thought about just not being attracted to guys? Give it a shot. It’s so easy. If not, then we can talk about a few possibilities.
I always find it challenging when it comes to matters of the heart, mostly because I don’t have one. I’m much better with matters of the genitals. That’s my jam. So I’ll be honest, LL, I am not the best when it comes to romantic feelings. I can intellectualize emotions until the cows come home.
I don’t wanna go too deep in to attachment theory because I am not a professional in that field. However, speaking from experience with past clients and my current mess of a love life, it sounds like you’re anxious. Again, this is not a professional diagnosis. When have I ever been a professional anything?
As a fellow anxiously attached loser, I know what it feels like to have to depend on someone else for emotional regulation. You really want to connect with someone, but you also have this paralyzing fear of abandonment. You probably find it difficult being alone. I’m assuming that based on the way you worded your letter. Like you can’t stay single. And any sign of criticism or concern is automatically registered as an attack. Isn’t this fun?!
There’s also the insecure element. You invest all this time and energy in to a guy and you think that he’s beautiful, he’s perfect, he looks like Linda Evangelista, he’s a model. You’ve started dating and he breaks up with you. And that sucks because then your psyche tells you that he broke up with you because there’s something fundamentally wrong with you as a person. He’s not interested in you due to a huge personality flaw in you. And you tell yourself, “I got turned down/dumped, then what the hell am I even good for?” It would hurt much less to keep your distance than to actually pursue something that could risk heartbreak.
Then there’s the addictive personality. When we fantasize about the potential and the possibilities, our brain gets that dopamine and serotonin high. We look at the people we think are unattainable because we love the high we get from thinking about them. The fear of getting turned down paralyzes us, so we stay away. We experience withdrawal symptoms which makes use want to chase that high again. Alternatively, you enter that relationship and find that he’s not as cracked up as you thought. No more high, so go after another potential.
Lastly, there’s the search for the familiar. When you were a kid and mom and dad were either inconsistent or withholding of affection, we start to develop this sense of normalcy. Attempts at being intimate or affectionate are to be met with a cold shoulder. Since we think this is normal behaviour, we associate this with a safe and familiar environment. So we pine after guys who we know are emotionally unavailable. Inversely we treat guys who show us any interest with disdain.
This is all a really long way of saying you either love rejection because you know the feeling, or you really hate rejection so you stay away from intimacy as much as possible.
So now all that is out of the way, let’s answer your questions.
How do you fix yourself? First recognize that you’re not broken. Damaged and hurting, maybe. But not broken. Heal, babe.
How do you break out of this cycle? Well, I just introduced you to a few possibilities as to why you are the way you are. Try to see which one you are, then go to a therapist who will tell you you’re wrong and what is actually wrong with you.
When can you find the right guy for you? Well why does it have to be someone else to be right for you? Why can’t you be right for you? Since relationships with other guys seem to be a problem, how about a relationship with yourself? Because if someone’s going to reject you, it might as well come from you. And here’s some breaking news: you’re stuck with you. Might as well date you.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
