Dark Dollars

RelationshipsAbuse

Apr 25

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. As long time readers and listeners know, I have had my fair share of abuse. Sexual abuse presents itself in several ways such as molestation, incest, rape, unsolicited dick pics, unwelcomed sexual advances and flirting, and drugging. One form of abuse, though not necessarily sexual, yet still important to talk about, is financial abuse. I have been fortunate enough to not experience financial abuse, but I have had a close encounter during my escorting days. I had a regular client who wanted to transition our relationship to sugaring. I reluctantly said yes; I hesitated because I respected our working relationship, but I thought I was ready to try a new experience. What I wasn’t prepared for was how he tried to use his finances against me. He started to withhold money if I didn’t do what he asked. He even offered me more money to do things he wanted. It was around this point that I decided to call off the relationship. I felt more and more uncomfortable with each request he made and put money in the equation. I didn’t have the vocabulary at the time, but I now know that this was a form of abuse, specifically financial.

I have been fortunate enough to be in contact with Amilkar Rodriguez, an outreach coordinator from Annuity.org, to tell me more about the work he has done around financial abuse. I will let the words from his resources take the lead from here.

What is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse is a broad word that covers a wide range of issues that victims may encounter. But, at its foundation, it entails a person abusing someone by either stealing from them, refusing them money, or exploiting their possessions as a means of control and dominance. Controlling a victim's ability to obtain, utilize, and preserve financial resources is referred to as financial abuse. Financially abused people may be unable to get employment. Even though it is less well-known than other types of abuse, financial abuse is one of the most effective ways to keep a victim in an abusive relationship. According to research, victims frequently find it difficult to terminate the relationship because they are worried about how they will be able to support themselves and their children financially. Financial instability is another of these.

Types of Financial Abuse

Stealing money from someone
Taking financial control away from someone
Placing a spouse or partner on an “allowance” and controlling their access to money
Recklessly spending someone else’s money
Tricking a senior into giving their money away in a scam
Taking advantage of an elderly family member to use their money

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, financial abuse occurs in 98% of abusive relationships and plays a huge role in preventing victims from escaping those situations.

“That is the No. 1 reason battered women and men do not leave their partners,” Mary Joye, a licensed mental health counselor who has helped people get out of financially abusive situations, told Annuity.org. “They don’t have enough money to leave. That person usually makes sure you don’t have enough money to leave.”

Signs of Abuse

Because victims frequently become financially dependent on their abusers, financial abuse is particularly isolating in general. They are bound together by their shared financial reliance. They are unable to envision a way out of their predicament since they lack resources. If you're in a relationship, it's crucial that you can spot financial abuse before it gets out of hand and you lose access to your credit history and job prospects. An outline of the methods used to commit financial abuse may be seen below. While some abusers may employ all of these strategies, others might just employ one or two. Whether the abuser uses one technique or ten, it is still called financial abuse. Here are a few ways that people get financially abused.

Controlling or spending your money
Ruining your credit history
Feeling entitled to your money or assets
Interfering with your finances
Interfering With Your Job
Controlling Shared Assets and Resources
Criticizing every financial decision you make and requiring you to account for every penny you spend (may even ask for receipts and change)
Limiting your access to money by not allowing you to have bank accounts or credit cards, or by withholding financial information such as account passwords, account numbers, and investment information
Evading or refusing to pay child support and dragging out divorce proceedings to cripple you financially

Ways To Get Out of Financial Abuse

The hard truth is that it can be very difficult to get out of financially abusive situations. Abusers can be adept at doing exactly what they need to to keep victims from leaving. Understanding financial abuse is not as widespread as other forms of abuse, so friends and family members may be less likely to notice that something is going on. But there are ways for victims to escape these situations.

Depending on the severity of the circumstances, there are domestic abuse hotlines available that may be able to offer help or resources. If the financial abuse is being used as a means to keep a victim in a physically abusive situation, then the police should be contacted. Victims can also reach out to family or friends that might be able to take them in and support them for some amount of time while they recover or rebuild their own finances. One important thing to remember when attempting to leave a financially abusive situation is that it can be risky or detrimental to give up control of your money forever to get out of the situation.

Building Up Your Finances After Abuse

Even though it can be difficult, rebuilding your money after financial abuse is definitely feasible. Making the best decisions to start constructing your personal financial stability can be aided by having a solid understanding of financial literacy. Friends or family members might be able to assist you in the short term in getting back on your feet. Also, there are lots of domestic violence shelters that might be able to offer short-term housing. Following that, it's crucial to find employment and establish a personal income stream or investment. Get in touch with a supporter, a counselor, or a religious authority as soon as you believe that your spouse or partner is financially abusive. Financial abuse is a problem that doesn't go better with time. In fact, it frequently gets worse and can result in other forms of abuse. Building up finances may require a lower standard of living in the beginning. But giving yourself the opportunity to build up a nest egg through budgeting wherever possible and saving as much as you can makes a huge difference in achieving financial independence.

How To Report Financial Abuse

For confidential support from qualified advocates, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you do not have a counselor or religious figure who can help. The goal is to deal with financial abuse as soon as it occurs. When looking to report a financial abuse situation, one of the first steps is to record what you believe is happening and gather evidence if you can. After that, you can report the abuse. It also may make sense to get the victim away from the situation before reporting it to ensure that they are not put into harm’s way or face retaliation from the abuser. It’s important to remember to act if you believe you are aware of a financially abusive situation. Victims are not always able to escape from these situations on their own.

Life After Financial Abuse

DomesticShelters.org has a simple search function to help you locate options near where you live.

The National Network to End Domestic Violence includes resources and information on financial abuse, as well an information for friends and family on how to help victims escape these situations.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website offers plenty of resources and information, including ways to get help and what to do after you have left the situation. The website also includes easily searchable access to local resources.

The Financial Planning Association offers free financial advice to both low-income individuals and domestic abuse survivors.

The Takeaway

Financial abuse occurs in 98% of abusive relationships. It is more difficult to notice financial abuse happening as it is more insipid in the way it operates; there are no physical signs of financial abuse that we can see on the body unlike violence. Arming yourself with the knowledge of how it operates is key to breaking out of it, albeit a very difficult situation. There is hope, and you are not alone.