Give and Take
“Sex is hardly ever just about sex.”
It’s a Sunday afternoon, and I just finished pole class. After admiring how hot I look in the mirror dancing around the pole for an hour, I’m in heat. I hit up my fuck buddy in the hopes that he’s available to pound me a new hole. Luckily he is! Douche in hand, head held high, and Imodium armed, I make my way to sweet sexual Elysium.
I make my way to his apartment where I’m greeted by a rock-hard throbbing erection waiting to be consumed by my mouth. I get on my knees and swallow every last inch of him, thrusting my head forward and back until tears roll down my face from gagging on his cock. He picks me up and bends me over the foot of the bed and pulls down my pants exposing my bare ass to his face. He grabs my ass cheeks and spreads them open to make room for his tongue to burrow in my hole. I feel every moist inch of his tongue scrape the edge of my hole and feel his teeth graze my cheeks sending me in to a sweet state of euphoria. Keeping me bent over he spits on his cock and thrusts in me making me curl my toes and arch my back. Over and over again. He’s fucking me harder and harder. Each thrust stronger and more passionate than the last. I’m reaching the edge and just as I started to cum, he came with me inside me.
With all our energy drained, we collapsed on the bed breathing heavily trying to gather as much air as we possibly could given our exhaustion. Basking in the glow of our sweat and cum spilling on the sheets, we looked at each other and smiled and we gave each other a high five. We laughed and cuddled for the rest of the night.
I believe this is what makes sex amazing. When he and I both share in the experience of how amazing it is to be in tune with another guy. The balance of my consuming him and him consuming me. That’s what makes sex great. This equal push and pull, this balance of forces from when I become selfish and when I turn selfless. I want to make myself feel good by having you eat my ass then I want to make you feel good by swallowing your load. Sex with me is great. Sex is easy for me. I know how to do this. This is what I’m familiar with. The division of the shared pleasurable experience. So if this is so easy, why can’t I do it outside of the bedroom?
As a child I’ve been brought up to be selfless and altruistic at all times because to be something other than that is considered a sin. There’s nothing wrong with being altruistic and thinking of the wellbeing of others. In fact that seen as an act of kindness in some cultures. The problem with me is that if I ever think about myself for one second, then I’m going to hell. A bit extreme, right? The thought of wanting what’s best for me instead of what I should be doing for others makes my stomach turn. I hate it. I hate that I’m unable to take care of myself the way I take care of my friends or romantic relationships.
I’ve built an identity for myself as Tim the Caretaker. My entire personality has revolved around how I relate to people and I gauge how well I relate to people. I must be a good friend, a good son, a good employee, a good educator, and a good provider because these are all the things I use to measure whether or not I’m a good person. These are the values that were instilled in me as a kid and the echoes of toxic perfectionism reverberate within me as an adult. These values no longer serve me. I burned out. I became suicidal. I’m currently on disability because I’m unable to perform my daily functions properly. I can’t drive, I can’t cook for myself, I can’t even bathe myself. My desperate need to be validated as a good person because it’s a determinant of my worth has literally sent me to the hospital. Something needs to change.
Sex is simple. There’s two bodies that crave each other and we both share a common goal: make each other cum. The goal isn’t shared by some of the guys I’ve been with, but that’s essentially what it comes down to. Two horny freaks that want to get off. That’s the goal. This is why it’s so easy and simple for me. When it comes to things that aren’t sex, that’s where it gets difficult. There’s no goal here. There’s just…*gestures at everything.* How do I relate to people in a way that’s not goal-oriented? What happens if I take away all of the things that I believe make me who I am? What then? What if Tim wasn’t a good friend, or a good employee, or a good educator, or a good son? What if I wasn’t any of those things? What’s left?
When I’m in bed with someone, it’s easy for me to give and take because I know how to please myself and I know how to please him. I can’t do that kind of balancing act for relationships. Why is it so easy for me to be a caretaker for my friends, but I can’t afford that kindness to myself? It’s so much easier to be there for other people than it is to be there for me. Relationships require a specific kind of emotional intelligence and attunement whereas sex is simply reading and listening to body language. Sex is so carnal and primal and elementary in my opinion. That’s something that’s been ingrained in us since day dot. I realize that socialization and human connection has existed for about that long as well, but never have I seen it as complicated as I have seen it as an adult. Or maybe it’s just always been this complicated and I’m just now developing the skills to be more aware of my shortcomings. Or maybe it’s just that I have access to therapy now.
Sex is easy. Relationships are hard. Yet bot go hand in hand in a way that both are ways in which we relate to one another. Whatever the case my be, I need to be there to take care of myself. I need to watch out for my own pleasure. I need to draw healthy boundaries, not walls. I need to give myself the grace and the kindness that I give so easily to my friends. I need to be able to check in with myself and see how I’m feeling before I go be there for others. If I can watch out for myself with all the fiber pills and anti-diarrheals money can buy because I care about the top having a clean workspace, I should be able to watch out for myself the way I would a friend when they’re in need. If only being selfish was easier done than said.
