The Presents of Presence

Before I start I wanna give a shout out to SZA and SNL for gifting us with this banger of a song that was meant to be a joke, but it’s now one of the best fat boy anthems I’ve ever heard. I co-sign this as an official fat boy. It’s a big boy revolution, so come and cuddle your local big boy today.

I do appreciate SZA for what she did with this and making me feel valid and seen. My body has been through the ringer from being extremely skinny, really fit, and now somewhere in between muscular and fat. I’m constantly bouncing between being called a bear and a jock. Not super down with labels mostly because I believe labels are for food and not people. But hey, if labels make it easier for gays to decide whether or not they want to fuck me, then by all means, please take my office label maker and go crazy.

My body has always been a subject of scrutiny my entire life. I’ve been fetishized, objectified, and constantly under medical observation. When you’re under a microscope for most of your life, you tend to follow suit and start to look at yourself through a funhouse mirror. It really does take you out of your body; and by that I mean you start to lose track of the important things like your mental health and wellbeing. It’s this weird irony of being so hyperfocused on how your body looks that you start to do more damage than good to it.

There comes a point in your journey with your body that you shift from radical body positivity to just body neutrality. I think I’m at that point. To me body neutrality is simply acknowledging that I have a body and not caring about the scars or stretch marks or how it’s constantly making smells and noises as I get older. I know that it’s doing what it’s supposed to do even though my joints sound like the screeching halt of a new York subway.

Despite all of the damage that my body has undergone (and you know exactly the kind of damage I’m talking about) I’m thankful that it’s gotten me this far. And that’s what I’ve been missing. Gratefulness. Acknowledgement. Presence. I feel that had I learned the value of being present in the moment it would have saved me thousands of dollars and years of therapy. Being out of my body for long periods of time and fixated on what it could look like did more harm than good.

And it’s not just body related stuff. Not being present has made it difficult for me to maintain a stable psyche and enjoy romantic relationships. I’m always thinking in terms of absolutes and worst case scenarios. I show up to the world with this comedic persona who has certain relatable flaws, but not too flawed so as not to drive you away. You’ll see that evidenced through my social media posts, the way I talk and try to make you laugh, and the kind of content I put out through my show. I do the same thing in relationships; I’m carefully choosing my words so as not to drive him away, I think of the inevitability of us breaking up so that I should modify my behaviours to prevent that from happening, and I ‘m constantly obsessed with being the perfect boyfriend that it costs me my happiness and inner peace. My therapist told me, “Tim, would you rather be perfect or would you rather be happy?”

Ouch.

I’m going to give myself the gift of presence. Let me enjoy the parts of my body that I like. From the way my upper body flexes and the way my calves are toned and defined. Let me enjoy the deep timbre of my voice which has been complimented by many listeners but has always been a source of insecurity of mine because of “gay voice.” Let me enjoy my relationships. There are people out here who know me and all my baggage and craziness and still choose to be in my life. I’m not holding them hostage. They know what they’ve signed up for and still they choose to be here for me. It’s a huge disservice to their friendship if I don’t look at myself the way they look at me. When they see me they see me for who I am now and not who I will become or try to be.

As the year comes to a close I hope to remember the power of gratefulness and presence and acknowledgement. I also need to remember that it’s okay for me to not be 100% all the time. I don’t need to show up as my full self for every single interaction. Let those moments be a reminder for me that something is missing or something is needed and that it’s a time to help myself meet those needs. I hope that I can remember that I’m not a broken person for needing to be validated every once in a while and that dating me is not a burden. I hope to remember that I am a good person and any guy would be lucky to date me.

I hope that as the year comes to a close, so does this chapter in my life where I’m no longer thinking in such binary language.

Let me be happy in the present moment if only for a moment.