Why Don’t Men Kiss More?
Kumusta Tita,
What is it about gay men that don't like to kiss? I identify as a huge slut and love having sex with a lot of men, but a lot of these men don't like to kiss. They don't mind fucking me in my ass and loading me up with their cum, but kissing seems to cross a line? What's up with that? I really like kissing, and that's what gets me turned on fast, so it takes me a little longer to get horny if a guy doesn't do kissing. What's wrong with them? I don’t see anything romantic or emotional about a kiss, so why can’t they?
Sincerely,
Never Been Kissed
Hey NBK,
In the dim lights of a hookup scene, you might notice it fast: some guys dive straight to sex, but kissing? Nah, that’s off the table. For you—someone who lives for a mouthful of tongue—that blank stare or quick back-of-the-head bonk before roll-over can be baffling. What gives? Turns out, plenty of gay men simply draw a line at the lips, and there are a host of reasons why.
For many men, sex and romance are separate zones. They treat gay hookups like any physical release – mechanical, quick, and mostly emotion-free. For some, comfort ends at bodies touching below the belt. Kissing feels too “romantic,” too personal. It implies emotional intimacy, which they either reserve for a partner (or spouse) or simply don’t want.
This attitude isn’t rare. In fact, pop culture highlights it: in Pretty Woman, the working agreement between the characters was “sex all week… but no kissing on the mouth – it’s too personal and romantic”. That perfectly illustrates the mindset: hot, raw sex is fine; a loving kiss feels like giving more than they want to give. Kissing triggers “closeness and attachment” (thanks to oxytocin and sensitive nerve endings on the lips). In casual hookups, some guys avoid the kiss precisely to keep feelings out of it.
Another reason is hygiene. This one is understandable. The mouth is full of bacteria. Some guys honestly don’t want anyone else’s bacteria in theirs. Bad breath, garlic hummus, recent meals, or even morning breath – all can kill the mood. One grim-but-real piece of advice during the pandemic was “Avoid kissing” to reduce COVID spread. Even outside of pandemics, the logic holds for cold sores or plain bad breath: if you’re lining up for some dick action, sharing spit might seem like a gross complication. Many gay men are obsessive about hygiene down there (douching before sex is routine for bottoms). They might extend that to the face, too. The mouth can transmit tons of stuff (flu, mono, even COVID), so avoiding kissing is a “safety first” approach. It’s ironic: these same guys may do bareback anal, but for them, a mouth swap feels like a bigger gamble.
Remember those macho guys in straight porn? Rarely do they slobber-lip long during sex scenes – and gay porn isn’t much different. If your sexual education came from porn clips, you might think kissing is just advertising. Some men grow up with the idea that kissing guys is “girly” or that “men don’t kiss men” because heterosexuality is the norm. That subconscious programming can be hard to shake.
Among some circles, real men don’t kiss. (This is as silly as it sounds, but internalised homophobia runs deep.) The macho script says: hold nothing back, but keep it impersonal. If your hook-up has that mindset, he’ll treat you more like a sex toy than a sweetheart. Grindr and hookup apps turbo-charge casual sex. When you’re each looking for a quick rush, you focus on the main event – fucking – and skip formalities. In fact, hookup norms often explicitly exclude kissing. “No kissing” is practically a standard disclaimer on some profiles. Kissing can slow things down, and these men are in a hurry to climax, not cuddle.
Finally, it might just boil down to personal taste, and that’s okay. Everyone has different triggers for arousal, and it can go the other way, too. Some men love deep French kissing; others find it off-putting. There’s even a name for an extreme case: philematophobia, the fear or intense aversion to kissing. It’s rare, but it highlights that kisses can make people anxious. Maybe he had a traumatic first kiss, or just feels vulnerable when mouths touch. So he keeps his guard up. Some guys are one-track minds for a certain kind of pleasure. They’ll gladly pump your ass raw or let you rim them like a champ, but mouth-to-mouth feels too much like a date. It isn’t logical to you, but to them it’s like ordering lobster but refusing the butter.
So what’s “wrong” with them? Nothing intrinsic, just personal boundaries and backgrounds. Your need for kisses is valid, but so is their need to skip them. Think of it like food preference: you love sushi’s blast of soy and wasabi, while a friend gags at the thought. Neither of you is wrong, just different.
The key is communication. If kissing fires you up, say so to a partner. You’ll likely find guys who treasure lip-locks too (after all, about ¾ of gay men do kiss during sex). And if a hookup immediately bans kissing, don’t take it personally; he’s not for you. Move on, swipe right for someone who grinds your gears in all the right ways.
Some gay men skip kissing for reasons ranging from hygiene and risk to keeping emotions at bay. It sounds cold, but in their view, they’re just preserving boundaries. You’re craving the warmth of a kiss; they might just prefer to skip to dessert. Knowing the difference can save a lot of confusion (and a lot of sore tongues).
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
