Sex and Death: A Love Story
I’ve been thinking a lot about sex. Surprise! And I’ve also been thinking a lot about death. Surprise? While I’ve been having a lot of sex lately, I also can’t forget about the amount of loss that’s happening around me. I have friends who have been attending funerals, I see people in the news dying from war and crime, I read headlines about people taking their own lives. The idea of sex and death as two polar opposite components of our life, yet are somehow married to each other, has been a long-standing idea in pompous philosophical and religious circles. I’m not going to try to reword academia to you all because I barely have a firm grasp of it myself, but I can certainly give you my thoughts from what I’ve read and what I’ve been thinking. One brings you in to life, the other takes you out. And if you're like most people, you've probably had at least one existential crisis in while getting fucked. Let’s unpack that.
1. Freud’s Spicy Theory: Sex vs. Death Match
Freud (aka Mr. Daddy Issues) said we’re all basically caught in a tug-of-war between two instincts:
Eros: the horny, life-affirming side of us that wants love, pleasure, and cute babies.
Thanatos: the moody death drive that kinda wants everything to end, just so we can chill.
According to Freud, even when we're fucking, there's a little death whispering, “Hey, wouldn't nonexistence be relaxing?” And yes, the French literally call orgasm “la petite mort”—the little death. Coincidence? Freud says non!
2. Existentialists: Sexy Angst Is Still Angst
Next up, the existentialists: Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. These two had a whole situationship full of intense conversations and probably very complicated foreplay.
Sartre says sex is awkward because it reminds us we're just meat trying to connect with other meat. Fun! According to Sartre, sex is not just engaging with bodies, but engaging with a consciousness. Sex then becomes this bizarre effort to possess the other, to make their freedom belong to you. Since that’s impossible, sex involves just a touch of frustration and absurdity. So hot.
Beauvoir, on the other hand, was like: “Okay, but sex also shows how vulnerable and needy we all are—and that maybe we should be kind to each other instead of just horny messes.” She posits that sex can lead to solidarity and care as opposed to Sartre’s view of sex as objectification.
They both agree: Sex and death are where all your deep fears come out to play. Like, "Will this hookup give me meaning?" or "Am I just killing time before I actually die?"
3. Bataille: Your Orgasm is Sacred (But in a Messy Way)
If Sartre and Beauvoir gave intellectual sex, Georges Bataille was that girl, and she’s giving full-on erotic apocalypse— she’s into philosophy, kink, and religious ecstasy. He thought sex and death were both wild, taboo-breaking moments where we lose ourselves. Like, really lose ourselves. Think blackout-in-the-club energy, but make it sacred. In his book Eroticism, he has a simple yet radical idea: Eroticism is the approval of life up to the point of death.
To him, sex and death are the ultimate “WTF just happened?” experiences. They both make us feel small, overwhelmed, and weirdly connected to the universe. Sort of like watching a really good sunset—but naked. Bataille tells us that sex and death are about losing boundaries, dissolving the self, and escaping the prison of being an individual.
4. Queer & Feminist Takes: This Gets Political
Now, let’s get queer—philosophically speaking. If Bataille gives chaotic sex, Judith Butler gives us performance, while Leo Bersani gives us self-shattering.
Judith Butler was like, “Sex isn’t just physical—it’s also a performance.” Every time you get freaky, you’re also reenacting society’s scripts… or flipping them off. Sex is shaped by power, societal norms, and culture making queer sex a very political act of defiance and rebellion. As per death, Butler states that some lives are more grievable than others; queer, trans, and racialized bodies are subject to a social death and the ability to live fully, desire freely, and die with dignity is unequally distributed.
Leo Bersani had the nerve to say, “Maybe sex is about losing yourself entirely—and that’s kind of hot and terrifying.” Like a little ego death with lube. Bersani suggests that at the heart of sex is self-loss, powerlessness, and humiliation and in receptive anal sex, the ego collapses. I love that he wrote a book called “Is the Rectum a Grave?” during the AIDS crisis. And if you were alive during the AIDS crisis, sex and death weren’t just metaphors—they were heartbreakingly real. Instead of reclaiming the rectum as a Pride memorial, he embraces its status as a grave, where ego dies, control is relinquished, and normativity is broken down. But also maybe where cum just dries out? For Bersani, sex isn’t about creating meaning — it’s about letting meaning fall apart.
Queer theorists remind us: desire isn’t neutral—it’s shaped by politics, fear, and survival. Butler wants us to think: Who are you allowed to be when you desire? Bersani asks: What if you didn’t have to be anyone at all?
5. Eastern Traditions: Calm Down, It's All a Cycle
While the West was over here screaming about drama and repression, Tantra and Daoism were sipping tea and saying, “Sweetie, sex is energy.”
In Tantra, sex is like yoga for your soul—with moaning. If done right, it’s a spiritual experience, not just a sweaty tangle.
Daoists believe sexual energy is precious (jing) and if you manage it wisely, you’ll live longer. Basically: don't waste your chi on just anyone.
In these traditions, sex and death aren't opposites—they’re part of the same cycle. You’re born, you bone, you die, you return to the universe. Repeat as needed.
TL;DR: Sex and Death Are Both a Lot
So what’s the verdict?
Sex = hot, weird, full of meaning.
Death = cold, inevitable, also full of meaning.
Both = mess with your sense of self, make you ask big questions, and occasionally involve screaming.
And the line between them? Paper thin. Sometimes sexy. Sometimes tragic. Sometimes both.
