How Do I Handle a Relationship That Makes Me a Better Person?

Dec 23

Kumusta Tita,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last 18 months, and this is the longest relationship I’ve ever had. For context I’ve been slutting it up for the last 5 years or so since I came out because I wanted to taste all the men I could get my hands on.

Now it seems that a guy has wrangled me to be a one-man kind of boy. To be honest, Tita, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I miss being promiscuous and throwing caution to the wind. I miss going to parties and doing heavy drugs and not worrying about the consequences in the morning.

But I also like him. I like the stability of the relationship and not having random sex every day with a different guy. I like staying in on a Friday night and watching cooking shows in our pajamas. There’s a sense of comfort here that makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I’m almost 30, and I feel like I still need to experience more of what life has to offer.

I feel like I’ve turned in to a completely different person; someone who is the exact opposite of the slut that I was 18 months ago. How do I become complacent with the man that I am now when I feel like that guy isn’t exactly me?

Signed,

Domestic Slut

Hey DS,

I find it funny that the lifestyles of being a slut and being a homebody are mutually exclusive. Babes, two things can happen at the same time? You know you can be that domestic partner and be a slut all in the same day. In my case in the same hour.

Being a ho is great. I speak from experience. Many, many, many, many experiences. It’s absolutely fun. What’s also fun, now that I’m turning 30 as well, which is apparently geriatric in gay years, is staying in and living vicariously through your 20-something friend’s Instagram stories as they incessantly post about the rave in the village while you’re at home petting your dog and eating popcorn and scrolling TikTok.

We gay men have this obsession with staying young. We dye our hair, starve ourselves to define our abs, stay tuned in to the latest parties, and keep up with the billionth Drag Race franchise. It’s embedded within our culture that we must stay young, or at least appear young, at all costs. This is probably due to the fact that most of us have had to suppress our homo no-no urges throughout our entire childhood to protect ourselves, so now we as adults play catch-up with the lost childhood years through vanity, socializing, and sex.

There’s nothing wrong with this. I think it’s perfectly fine to do whatever the hell you want to do that makes you happy. Be a slut. Be a cum dump. Regret your choices later. But don’t treat these experiences as disposable. You’re allowed to hold on to those experiences as they have shaped your identity in the present. You don’t have to mourn this old version of yourself just because you’re transitioning to a new phase in your life. What did Beyonce say in that Pepsi commercial? “Embrace your past, but live for now.” Ugh, what a serve.

To answer your question: you don’t have to be complacent. Personally I think complacency is a sign of halted growth. We should all be questioning our values from time to time and reassess our life goals. Humans change. Bodies change. Our identities have to change with us. Whether it be a piss pig, a trophy husband, or some wrinkly spinster with a podcast, we should be constantly checking in with ourselves.

Now if you truly don’t feel like this homebody isn’t who you are then girl, I got some news for you: you don’t have to stay. Nothing is stopping you from leaving the situation. Okay, yeah, he’s a catch and whatever. He’s not holding you hostage, is he? Blink once for yes, twice for no. You’re under no obligation to stay in relationships that don’t feel like they’re true to who you are. If you like him and you really care about him, he deserves to know. It’s an act of kindness to him and to you.

There’s also the issue that gay men are putting heteronormative standards of relationships onto our own. Like, hellooo? We’re not straight? We don’t have to follow the rules of a straight relationship? We don’t have to be monogamous. We don’t have to always stay home and be boring. You’re afraid that you’re missing out on more life experiences? Well then, I don’t know, go out and ride a bike. You can shape your life the way you want it. Even more so because we’re gay men. We have that disposable income, baby!

Unless you feel some deep sense of existential discomfort, none of this is a deviation from yourself. Think of it as more of a character arc. Appreciate all the aspects of who you are, both as a dirty whore and a fertile, Christian, biological woman. What’s life without a little diversity, right?

You are changing, and you will continue to change. Embrace it because the only thing constant in life is change.