We’re in an Open Relationship, And Now I’m Jealous
Kumusta Tita,
My husband and I have been together for a little over 7 years now, and we have noticed our relationship has gone somewhat stale. During lockdown a couple years ago we noticed that being together for so many years and getting at each other’s throats was proving to be a true test of our relationship. Now that the world has opened up, so has our relationship. We both came to the conclusion that we both really love each other, but it’s unrealistic for us to be the sole source of each other’s intimate needs. We’re still in the middle of ironing out the details of our new open relationship, and we’re coming across a few bumps here and there.
Some rules we’ve made are that we can’t bring other men in to our bedroom, so sex will have to stay in the guest room; if a guy has sex with one of us. he can’t have sex with both of us; if we do end up playing as a threesome it must remain a threesome. I’m not sure if these are enough rules, but I feel like it’s a good start.
The problem is that I’ve been feeling kind of jealous. I see the guys that he brings home, and they’re so much hotter than me and the guys I bring home. And it also kind of bothers me when I hear them moan during sex. Now I’m feeling like opening up is a bad idea, but I feel that if we go back to being monogamous he’s going to hate me and we’ll go back to resenting each other again. I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want him to leave me. What do I do, Tita?
Signed,
Green with Envy
Hey Green,
Ugh, I can’t even get a man to open mouth kiss me on the dance floor in the village and you’re out here complaining about having lots of guys. ‘Tis the season to share, no? So you’ve dug your own hole and you can’t seem to get out. Hey Consequences, this is Green with Envy; Green with Envy, here are the consequences of your own actions.
Sounds like there’s a few things that need addressing here.
First, are you sure that an open relationship was what you both needed in the first place? I get that lockdown has changed all of us, and fucking the same guy for a year and a half can get boring, but are you sure that it’s what you both wanted and needed? I ask because when it comes to gay men open relationships are just another way of saying “You’re bad in bed” and instead of addressing the real issues head on we just avoid it by thinking with our other head. I just want to know that you’re both sure that this is what you wanted. If not, stop reading and review your relationship. If so, then read on.
Okay, so you both agree that opening up is what you both need. Great! And the first man to enter your newfound throuple is named Jealousy. And man, will she read you to filth and she is in no mood because she just finished a 6 hour gig at the drag bar. Untucked and ready to fuck shit up. So we greet her with open arms and ask her what she needs. Why is Jealousy being such a bitch? What exactly is it that she needs from us? What is your jealousy trying to tell you? Is there an area in your relationship that requires more attention? Do you need more validation from your husband that your marriage is okay? Is there something that you both can do as a couple to take stock of the foundations of your marriage? Have you revisited your vows lately? I think you both need to sit down and see what this Jealousy has to say before you continue fucking other men.
I also wanna comment real quick on your rules; I find them fucking weird. I’m not really sure where the “he can’t have sex with both of us” rule is coming from, but I’m sure you have a good reason for it. If it were up to me, I would want him to fuck both of us. Jesus Christ, that would be so hot! I personally think it could breed more feelings of jealousy or become a source of secrecy. Because let’s say the third hooks up with you and does so for a full year without ever meeting your husband. What if the third is on Scruff one day and unknowingly hits up your husband not knowing you two were married? What then? I don’t know, I’m just speculating here. I also wanna say that if your rules are limited to what’s written in your letter, then that’s not an open relationship; that’s just sex rules. Like wearing a condom but for your heart. Might I suggest having a rule about aftercare and weekly relationship check-ins?
Because if you did some checking in with each other on a regular basis, you might be able to turn down the volume on the whole moaning thing. And more importantly find out why you’re comparing yourself and your partners to the guys that your husband brings home. News flash, sweetie: we’re always going to compare ourselves to other men. For all you know your husband could have the same insecurities as you. Besides hotness is a scale because we’re all hot to somebody.
Our relationships will continue to grow and change, but it’s important that we check in with ourselves in all stages of the relationship. As your marriage grows, so should you. That means having those difficult conversations with your husband, reevaluating what your open relationship looks like, or even going back to cheesy ol’ monogamy. Be honest with yourself, Green! Name the insecure beast and see what it needs to feed on so it can shut up and relax!
Also, if y’all are still looking for a third by the time you read this…hmu
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
